{block:Description} {/block:Description} Meghan's Secret Blog
{block:IndexPage}
04/12/2022
Mood: moody
Listening to: shura - religion

Once again...



Haven't updated in a while. Just been super depressed... so I didn't get into grad school. I think it was a combination of not having the right recommendations and just, not being prepared enough. I was a little bit wishy washy throughout the whole thing like do I really want to do this, etc. But now I think I really do. And I'm going to try again next year, to get into the special education program. Hghhhghhh. It just feels. bad. to be rejected.

Speaking of BAD FEELINGS. This whole bullshit with the Florida anti-gay law, all these anti-trans laws, all these anti-abortion laws... I'm feeling really upset and like there's nothing I can do, because I live in a state where those rights are protected. I want to fight but it just feels like I'm trying to join the battle from a safe haven.

Still it's scary. I am getting flashbacks to being in high school during the Bush administration, when I campaigned like crazy against Prop 8 (California's short-lived anti-gay marriage law) and it still passed. Plus these laws targeting teachers and kids are so awful. You can't talk about gay people at schools. Okay, so I can't talk about myself? Should I even be there? I mean obviously I know the end goal for these people is for people like me not to exist.

I also had a minor concussion recently which has me very irritable, so yeah... this shit is not helping.
03/13/2022
Mood: busy
Listening to: Death Cab for Cutie - Soul Meets Body

Long time no update!



I've been super busy with work and school. I miss updating this site! I have so many ideas for things I want to add to it but I just haven't had the time. I'll probably have even less time going forward. I'll hear whether I got into grad school on Tuesday. Fingers crossed.

But yeah, I've been working as much as I can fit into my schedule. Carly broke her elbow a couple weeks ago, and she's going to an orthopedist tomorrow to get a cast put on. It's been rough, because she needs a lot of help and I'm already stretched thin. We were already really, really behind on cleaning before, and now it's pretty much all falling on me to do. of course I want to help my wife, it's just a lot! I've even helped her open the bagel shop a couple times (though that's supposed to be a secret, lol). That was actually kind of fun, lol. It just sucks that this happened, she is still getting over her concussion, too.

And it's almost finals time for my math class. I've been doing pretty well in it. I only missed that one quiz, and I've gotten A's or B's on all the tests and assignments I turned in. I'm already registered for next term, the last prerequisite I have to take for the grad program. I'm really anxious about funding though, like I still have no idea how I'm going to pay for this. Student loans? I am already 10k in debt, and combine that with Carly's...

Worry, worry, worry, that's all I ever do these days lol. My hair is turning white at the temples. I actually kind of like it? But yeah it's definitely due to stress. I am feeling pretty accomplished though, like I'm so close to my goals. I had a dream that I was staring at this huge mountain and I was about to climb it because there was a beach at the top (????) and when I got there the beach was full of people and it was so lovely. Not sure how there could be a beach on a mountain but, dream logic. I think it's about feeling like I'm working toward something and I'm really close, and when I get there I'll be able to have some fun and bask in my accomplishment a little bit.

Speaking of accomplishments, yesterday I did a lot of cleaning (though the place is still a wreck) and roasted a chicken with veggies! It turned out really good, crispy skin, juicy meat, and the veggies were phenomenal! It took forever (the chicken was still a little frozen) but it was so worth it. I haven't been getting a lot of joy from cooking lately, so it was really nice to put that effort into making some food and having it turn out well. Next thing I want to do is make some bread -- I got some yeast, and I also got some turmeric at the farmer's market this week, and I want to try making turmeric bread. I saw a recipe for it somewhere and it looked amazing.
02/10/2022
Mood: sore
Listening to: animal crossing music

So tired !! Long day!



Today was my first day woorking a full day in a special ed classroom! It was a long day -- and I didn't bring enough food -- but overall I'm pretty proud of how I did. The kids were great, for the most part. A few of them were handfuls but that's why there were four adults in a room with six kids, haha. The most tiring part was definitely recess when these 2 kids wanted me to push them on the swing nonstop. Also it was kind of hot, so i was drinking a LOT of water. I hope I didn't take my mask off too much.

Oh my god... they're supposedly lifting the state mask mandate soon. I hope the school district at least has the sense to keep masks. I'm definitely going to keep wearing masks no matter what. It's the freaking height of a surge for fuck's sake... Anyways being in schools does feel a little bit safer than my previous job. In terms of being able to wear a mask for one thing but also less risk of injury. I got injured a LOT at my previous job whether just from kids launching themselves at me or from overuse. Plus I'm not, uh, doing moderate to strenuous exercise for 30 hours a week. That being said the kids are little germ factories wherever they are. I tried giving a kid a tissue and he refused it while wiping his nose with his hand.... ughhhhh!!

I haven't updated my site in a bit... I've been really into a new playthrough of Breath of the Wild. I already have 3 dungeons done. Aside from that I've been playing a lot of Wordle, but through Wordle Archive. Also there's this wordle clone (ish?) called Semantle where you have unlimited guesses, and you guess words based on their meaning... it's sooo hard but I love it. I solved it once, and gave up once. Today I'm 4 words away from the target word, so I think I'm gonna get it. It makes me feel like a supergenius when I get it lol, I love it.

What doesn't make me feel like a super genius? School. OH my god. The math class has gotten worse. We had a test and I think everyone had a hard time with it? but I had a supreme emotional meltdown along with my iPad having a technical meltdown. I just barely got the test in on time, and didn't have enough time to look it over -- once I did I saw obvious mistakes. That and I took a practice test for the test i need to take next week to get into grad school and it was HARD. A lot of this stuff I don't know and I thought I was going to learn it in grad school...

Anyway I'm going to try and make time for some more site updates soon. It's just been kind of nonstop with school lately, and I'm going to be working more now that COVID is slowing down again. Bye blog!
01/30/2022
Mood: productive
Listening to: Kesha ft. Dolly Parton - Old Flames (Can't Hold a Candle to You)

Getting a few things done today...


Yep, I took out a bunch of glass recycling which had built up for quite a while. It's just tough to take it down because we live upstairs and our staircase is so... I don't want to say rickety, but... yeah. It's a bit scary to take down a bag/box of glass bottles. So they just sit by the door until there are way too many. I really need to stop chronicling my depression messes on this blog, lol. But at least I'm cleaning it up. Things are starting to affect Carly's allergies, so we need to get it clean enough to vacuum.

I guess I should be chronicling all this in my bullet journal? I just don't feel like it's very organized, and the design leaves something to be desired. Anyways, I have this whole week to clean, clean, clean, and maybe figure out the bullet journal thing when I have time. I finished a quiz for math class with what I thought were pretty accurate answers so I'm hoping that I get a good grade... They're pretty much all word problems, which is just awful, plus it's all about fractions. I really should work on some homework tonight for that class. I still can't find my other book. Because there are two. Did I ever buy the other one? I don't know?? ...I just asked Carly to buy it for me with her prime bc it was like fucken $180 off on amazon ($30 total). I just can't not have my book for this class... I need it to do the homework.

One less thing to worry about. See it turns out if you actually take care of your problems they won't stress you out anymore... who would have thunk it?? I mean I still have a lot going on obviously. But yeah, I'm taking the whole week off. It's supposed to be the peak of the Omicron surge this week and I just don't want to be in schools right now. Even if I have been spending most of my time outside for recess. There is an opening tomorrow though, at the school I worked at last week. And it was a lot of fun. I just also don't know if I can really handle working on days when I'm also taking my math class, because the math class is literally like an hour and a half long.

Oh, I've been reading a loooot of Destiel fic. Like, I am pretty sure I read 2 longfics in like 3 days? I finished the first volume of MoDao ZuShi and I was DYING because it just got to one of my favorite parts (the Yi City arc or whatever it's called in this translation). So yeah i just needed some romance that would make me absolutely insane and Carly had some fic recs for me sitting in my inbox since forever. I read a turn of the earth (s11 cas meets pre-series dean fic) and the cheapest room in the house (alternate s15 weird boy besties fic aka cas gets a grindr fic), and I'm working through to boldly go (dean writes star trek fic fic) if anyone who stumbles on this was wondering, lol. I will get back to reading book books eventually but. Dean and Cas are making me especially crazy right now, hence the creation of this website. So yeah, I need this.
01/29/2022
Mood: giddy
Listening to: Third Eye Blind - Blinded (When I See You)

I fuckin did it


I wrote my grad school application essay!! I read it out loud to Carly and she didn't have any suggestions. I looked it over multiple times for grammar mistakes and such. Hopefully it's ok that I wrote it in one sitting. It's only 740 words (the max was 750... yeah I had a lot to say). I'm so nervous but at least I got the application in, just under the wire. Now to worry about funding...

Anyways, aside from that relief, it's kind of a sad day. Carly's great aunt died. We went grocery shopping for her mom. Carly took a home COVID test before we went just to be sure, cause she's had a sore throat. It was negative of course or we wouldn't have gone... I think I annoyed her cos I got a lot of snacks and stuff but I need things to bring to work with me when I start going in for full days.

I'm kind of sick of writing, lol, I just banged out that essay in like an hour and a half... so yeah good night blog!
01/28/2022
Mood: cheerful
Listening to: Carly playing RDR2, lol

Today is going by so fast...


I subbed at an elementary school today. I wore my dinosaur dress! So exciting! The kids loved it. I got a lot of comments from little girls telling me they loved dinosaurs, which was awesome and (perehaps wrongly) not what I expected. I really think I'm going to like teaching kids science. I never thought of myself as a science person, but I did love it in schoool -- until high school chemistry killed that love. But yeah, today, I was classroom assistant for some first graders and second graders. I also did lunch/recess duty for some 5th graders, which was super easy -- unlike the middle schoolers, it seems 5th graders haven't quite hit the "jaded asshole" part of their development.

When I saw that I was going to be doing math I was super nervous -- I had already made a mistake and told a kid she was right on an assignment when she wasn't and that was in English, my freakin' minor. (Also it was a kid I used to give swim lessons to! That was fun running into her again!) But, it's Friday and I guess on Fridays, the first graders play math games. They played Yahtzee and I helped a group of 3 kids to take turns and count their dice out correctly. It was really great.

Oh my god I forgot to mention the best part of today, besides seeing that kid from swimming again, was this kid who came up to me at recess, a 5th grader and asked my name. I said my name's Meghan or Ms Bell, I'm a sub. And he said, "My name is... Aiden. Today. Because I'm a boy today!" Then he went on to say that he was genderfluid, and he doesn't know his sexuality yet -- he's still confused on that. And I told him, "You've goot plenty of time, Aiden." It really made my day, especially because he was so open about it and decided to come up to me, a stranger (albiet, he could have clocked me as a "safe" stranger because I give off ~vibes~) and told me the name and pronouns he prefers for the day, and had no fear in saying it in front of his friends. It was so wonderful. I could have cried. I thought about saying "I'm genderfluid, too," but ultimately I didn't. I didn't want a whole bunch of kids hearing it and telling their parents or whatever. But I kept an eye on the kid during lunch and he just. Hung out with his friends. They started singing and being a little rowdy, and another lunch monitor calmed them down. It was so good to see, just so wonderful.

My mom also called me today, we talked for a good half an hour. She's moved into my grandma's old house, and she seems really happy. She met her neighbors, and she is really liking living in a place that's closer to town -- I also imagine it's hard to live in the house where all that stuff happened when me and my brother were kids. So living in my gma's old place must be a lot eeasier just emotionally... Anyway we had a good talk. There's a lot of drama going on with the extended family, as usual. My dad got COVID again but he's feeling better. My brother's health is improving, which is really good, but he's not seeing a therapist, which kind of puts a huccup in my plans to get in touch with him via his therapist. My mom has been trying to get me to call him but I don't want to talk to him without anyone else around. And not just like, putting him on speaker with my wife but like an actual person who can mediate if things come up in conversation.

Yeah idk... I don't really want to get into that right now... I've got a lot on my plate. I have a quiz due this weekend, and I still haven't found my math book from which there's a bunch of homework I'm supposed to do... At least she's not going to check it until the end of the term. Also I got a call, ostensibly from the company that owns my student loans, but they're not supposed to be calling until May so either it's a scam or... yeah. It's probably a scam. I didn't pick up. And then there's the whole house situation. We've got mold on the back wall of our bedroom and the whole desk setup needs to be moved in order to get to it, along with a bunch of our clothes which are kept in a pile over there. Luckily the clothes aren't moldy but our curtain is totally fucked. I just have to get my shit together and do it. Wear a KN95, keep the door open for ventilation, move all the shit and try my damndest to get rid of as much of the mold as possible. Then call maintenance and tell them what I found and what I've done to take care of it. I'm just afraid they're going to retaliate against us because the last time we had an issue in our apartment they blamed it on us and didn't help us for an entire month. It turned out to be an easy fix, but we didn't know what to do and no one would give us a straight answer. Ugh. I don't know. I want to find a new place, but Carly also brought up that we still haven't gone on our honeymoon, and we have tickets to Disney World that haven't been used, and we need to find a time when COVID isn't spiking to book it and actually go. So yeah that's a fuckton to think about. And I haven't even gotten to my grad school application, which the deadline is Tuesday.

CHRIST!!!! Anyways, yeah, writing it all out helps. But yeah, working at the school today was great. I just need to get better at cracking down and making sure kids are behaving... I usually just take the stance that kids are kids and they need to get their energy out. But I'm an adult and it is my job to teach them manners... *sigh* It's a tough tightrope to walk for sure. I had a lot of fun today. Still, feels good to be back home with my wife. Even if all she does is play cowboy game :P (If you read this Carly, I'm kidding, I love watching you play your cowboy game! MWAH!)
01/24/2022
Mood: pissed
Listening to: Carly playing RDR2

Online class is not going well!!!



OK I'm so mad... half at myself half at the professor. Like ok I forgot that I was supposed to take a quiz. I own that. But this is exactly the reason online classes piss me off. I was supposed to take a 45 minute quiz -- first of all, how is that a quiz not a test, that's almost a fucking hour -- before Sunday at 11:59. Now you might be thinking Meghan she gave you more time to do the quiz. But here is how I see it. She is requiring me to think, on my weekend when I'm not working or at school, oh yeah, I have to devote 45 minutes of my free time to a quiz for math class. I would really prefer it if she would just say, OK, next week on Monday we are going to devote 45 minutes of our class time to a quiz. So show up to the zoom room after you finish your quiz, at 6:45 or whatever. That's what I would do if I were running an online class. So that way if someone forgot, they get a reminder if they log in and there's no one there. And they get a chance to take the quiz even if they had initially forgotten.

I just can't deal with this like I have PTSD and it fucks with my memory (that and smoking too much weed but she doesn't need to know that). I'm just pissed like this is the second time I've forgotten about something for the class... I think I'm just going to have to start putting reminders for literally everything on my phone. I just idk if I can do this!! I don't know if I can teach kids math. I can barely do simple math in my own life. How am I supposed to pass two more of these classes and go on to teach these concepts to children?? I just wanted to be an English and Social Studies teacher but in order to do that I have to go back and take a bunch of undergrad stuff like economics and linguistics... I took so many social studies and English courses in undergrad and for what... And that one counselor who put me on the wrong course in the first place... Ugh I'm just. So mad that I'm STILL not done with school and I'm 31 years old and. I just want to be DONE. And I still haven't finished my grad school application because I just... I don't know if I can do it. And if I have to drop out, what happens to all those loans I have to take out? I still have to pay them... I'm really getting myself in a spiral over this. I literally just smoked, too. Ugh.

I wish Katya was still around. At least I'm gonna talk to my therapist tomorrow. God, I have sooo much to tell her. u_u I'm such a fucking mess!!!
01/23/2022
Mood: weird
Listening to: Orville Peck - Smalltown Boy

Gotta get out of this rut!!!



So today I went to the farmer's market! I got a chicken, some mushrooms, onions, garlic, leeks, eggs, and ginger... Excited to cook with it/see what my wife will cook with it ^_^

Speaking of Carly she is asleep right now and I should wake her up bc I need to get a laundry started, and I need her to tell me what clothes she wants washed. Also she's been napping for like 2 and a half hours...

Midnight has been suuuuuch a brat today! When I got home from the market he tried to eat my leeks??? And then we went out to the porch and he tried to jump on the railing TWICE. Like, I would let you sit on the railing if you didn't fall off the freaking couch all the time. No way I trust his balance on that skinny ass railing, lmao. I don't think he would really like being up there anyways.

But yeah I'm in such a funk lately... I realllyyy need to clean my apartment enough to get maintenance in here but now I'm just freaked out that they'll do the same thing they did last time we had a maintenance problem, which was try to blame us and leave us in a lurch for over a month (during crunch time for our wedding, no less)... I just really wish we could move right now! But I know that's not possible, especially not without cleaning first, lol.

I did some art last night and I was really feeling it then but when it posted on my queue this morning I was like... ugh... this sucks, it looks like shit it's overworked. But then one of my old school tumblr mutuals (I've known him for like 10+ years) said it was his favorite art I've done ;_; so that made me feel better. I might post it on here... maybe. Idk. I'm definitely going to try and do some Dean art tonight (or maybe just slap together a quick fancam?) because it's Dean's 43rd birthday tomorrow! Happy birthday alive girl!!

Also I'm reading the official English translation of Mo Dao Zu Shi right now but UGH I'm so upset I'm almost done with vol. 1 and vol. 2 doesn't come out till March... I simply CANNOT deal with not finishing this book. Am I going to go read the fan translation again in the meantime? Probably. But I'm really liking this translation so far, it's very easy to read and understand whereas the ER one can be confusing at times. I just... love Lan Wangji... so much.

Oh yeah and I started that bullet journal? Haven't updated it a single time lmao. Whoops... I might need to revamp it with some actual bullet journal-style stuff, like weekly charts or something...

Anyway time to go wake up Carly... she's probably going to be upset that she slept this long.... >_>
01/21/2022
Mood: awake
Listening to: Joni Mitchell - The Circle Game

Titles are stupid, all my homies hate titles

Oh my god I just have to rant about this because last night I ordered from Walgreens on doordash bc I needed pads. And I've been going to work and I was too nervous to go anywhere else bc of COVID. So I ordered just, a thing of pads and some sparkling water. And as soon as I saw that it was a guy picking up the order I KNEW something was gonna go wrong.

Sure enough I get a call telling me they don't have the brand I want. OK, it's a pretty ubiquitous brand but ok. So I text him what I want instead. The other most common brand of pads. All I ask is that they're unscented and have wings. Then he tells me, they don't have that brand either and at this point I'm like you've gotta be fucking kidding me?? So he sends me a picture of "what they do have" and it's. Panty liners. Like for pee. Of course they don't have period pad brands in this section because you're not looking at the period pads. I was too overwhelmed at this point and Carly just told him, get such and such one. Because at that point she thought, oh, that brand must make period pads too.

Nope. He just got me incontinence panty liners. HOW does a grown man know so little about periods? Especially as a delivery driver who presumably has to go in for convenience runs all the time?? I'm sorry like I'm not gonna give him a bad rating or anything I'm not cruel I just. HOW do you get to be an adult person and not know the difference between incontenence liners and period pads.

ANYWAY. So I've been working on my grad school application and I'm so nervous. Do I really want to do this right now? Maybe I'll just stay at this job for a while?? I don't know. I will have to take out so much more student debt... I just feel like I'm going through the motions right now. Doing what I planned to do because I planned it. And what happens if I fail? It just seems like so much risk and the reward is... I get to work a thankless job for 30 years and then retire.

I'll try not to be so pessimistic. I mean, I do love kids and teaching is something I've been pretty good at. Yesterday at work a little girl was upset because she scraped her knee, and she asked me to get her a bandaid and held my hand while I walked with her, and then she kept hugging me even after we determined she didn't need a band aid because it wasn't bleeding. Then this other kid came up to me and said "You're new. Want to see how good I am at basketball?" and then proceeded to show me all his basketball moves. It was so adorable. Kids are really great, especially the little ones -- middle schoolers have that attitude, but who can blame them? If I can make their lives better and help them learn and grow and succeed that would be rewarding, right?

Existential crisis aside. I had a fun dream last night! I dreamed that there was a deleted SPN scene where Dean was asleep and Cas kissed him on the cheek. When I woke up I told Carly about it and she said if that was real it would cause discourse, lol... I don't know, I mean, I think watching him rake leaves was worse, especially bc they weren't boy besties at the time.

I've been working on the site a lot! I put up a new section on the videos page of my favorite fanvids, worked on another shrine, etc. I'm working on a Rocky's Bar shrine right now that I think will be fun. I really want to make a mini game where Pamela sends you on a quest (a collect quest maybe) and then you find another song for the jukebox (besides Searchin' for a Rainbow, which will be the only song available). I don't know how to do any of that though, lol. It's DEFINITELY goind to have an events board though and I'm going to have a ton of fun with that! SWAYZE DAZE!!
01/16/2022
Mood: accomplished
Listening to: When In Rome - The Promise

Things! They're always changing.



So a few things. We are moving. Not right away. In a few months at least... We will probably be breaking the lease but, not yet. Money is an issue so we need to save up a little bit.

I've made all kinds of plans for cleaning and stuff which I haven't followed through on (yet). I got the Christmas tree taken down at least! ...After my wife had an allergic reaction to its death-release of pollen and whatnot. So yeah she was freaking out this morning thinking it was COVID even though we were pretty sure it was just allergies. And what do you know... while I was taking down the ornaments my nose and eyes were practically waterfalls.

Today is the 2 year anniversary of The Trap (aka the Dean Cris On His Knees to Cas Episode of season 15) so we are probably gonna watch that in a few... if Carly ever gets up from her nap! I've been trying to get her up for an hour now...

I also have my first shifts at my job this week. Nervous but excited! But mostly nervous. I mean, there's the usual nervousness of not knowing what I'm doing at a new job and then there's. You know. The Virus. I just want to work with kids without dying or becoming permanently disabled! Hahhaha. Ha. u_u
01/13/2022
Mood: angry
Listening to: the wife playing cowboy game

Daily whine-fest coming up



Oh my god so. Just got a notice on our car saying we're going to be towed tomorrow and they gave us a notice 2 weeks ago apparently, it was in the fine fucking print of a notice about cars parking in visitors spoots. I don't park in a visitors spot so I didn't pay attention to it. Well apparently it's legal for them to do that. But I told them, the car is registered, just my dad has the stickers in California... he's gonna send them but it's gonna take more than 24 fucking hours. And same with registering the car, like, I sent the manager a link to the DMV page where it says for out of state registration it's gonna take 9 (NINE) fucking weeks. So yeah, a little bit more notice would be nice. And on top of all that the DMV says point blank people are not getting pulled over for registration violations right now so... why are you guys being such anal fucking dickbags?

I'm just pissed like. I'm looking for a new place to live as I type this. Literally I would rather pay a fine for breaking the lease at this point than deal with this fucking place any longer. But rent is so high and no place lets you have a cat. It's insane. The whole world is insane. I feel insane.

In more whimsical news, this LJ mood theme is so old, earlier I uploaded the "high" emotion and it WASN'T Endverse Cas?? And then I realized... this mood set was made before 5x04 "The End"... that's INSANE. Like they didn't even know??? That Cas wasn't going anywhere?? That all they had, Dean and him, was each other??? *ahem* Anyways. I might make my own mood theme. Maybe just a Cas one. Or idk... a Rowena one could be fun!
01/12/2022 5:30PM
Mood: guilty
Listening to: Fleetwood Mac - Hold Me

Updating this blog right now is a form of self-sabotage



I told Carly I would clean today and yet again I have done nothing!! I finished Undertale and that's LITERALLY IT.

I did get an email from my employers though! So I can start working, I think. I might have to do some online training still. But yeah... that's a huge relief.

I have just been feeling really weird all day... not like, physically or anything? Just in a weird mood and I can't snap myself out of it. I can't put my finger on what I'm feeling. Even picking my mood for this post was odd. I was just thinking about how i haven't cleaned.

Which I should do right now. Definitely. Carly's napping and we're going to the store in a few. Definitely... should clean.

OK going to go do that now bye

Edit OH MY GOD I'M SUCH A DINGUS I FORGOT I HAD CLASS TODAY UGHHHHHHH
01/12/2022 12:16am
Mood: optimistic
Listening to: nothing right now, Carly just shut off her game

Good day overall



I'm feeling really optimistic about things today. I did the last thing I needed to do in order to get teaching jobs. They might go remote for a little bit (during which time, I could not work) but that is okay. Safety is a concern. I might look into trying to sell my writing again since i have so much time. I am excited for the future and for being a teacher, though. Today I bought a dinosaur dress.
It's so dang cute.


I also have a gift card for Maya Kern's store which I got for Xmas, and I'm going to buy one of her cat skirts, maybe an astronaut one, and definitely the new Deadly Floral pattern she's got up. I'm about to be serving Millenial Ms Frizzle. I also got leggings for real cheap from Torrid. But yeah support small businesses... Maya Kern is amazing! Their skirts make up like half my wardrobe at this point and they're about to be more.
The one I'm wearing now!


I'm gonna head to bed in a minute. I guess I'm just trying to feel hopeful because all this despair all around is getting to me a bit. I want to feel hopeful about the future because if I believe things can be good again, maybe I can make them good. I want to get my life together, for me, for Carly, and for Midnight. And... our future kids. We can't have kids if we live in a shitty apartment with mold in it.

So. Getting my shit together:
  • Getting the mold cleaned up in this apartment
  • Finding a better apartment or a house
  • Cutting back on smoking
  • Building better habits incl. eating better and drinking more water!
  • Getting through grad school and becoming a teacher!
  • Keeping a plant alive??? Maybe??? Someday???

That's all for now... good night little blog...
01/10/2022
Mood: happy
Listening to: Heart - Love Me Like Music (I'll Be Your Song)

Things are going a little better today



I got into the math class I needed! Now comes the part where I actually have to take the math class... hoooo boy. This is gonna be something. Only one more after this. I just don't feel like I'm gonna be great at teaching math. Maybe I should go into middle school teaching instead... but it's too late for that for now. And I can always do more school later.

I figured out why I haven't been able to take any teaching jobs yet... I forgot to do my fingerprints! Damn. Well I'm doing them tomorrow. Just means I won't get paid until March... yikes. But, at least I have help from my dad, and Carly's got a job. And I'll be working soon enough.

Speaking of Carly, I had an awful dream last night that she was cheating on me a bunch and she wanted to get a divorce... ugh. Stupid brain! Carly loves me and she likes being married to me!!

She made us a delicious pasta tonight, while I was online doing my class. (Which went 15 minutes over time, ON THE FIRST. DAY.) I got those winter chanterelles and she used some of them to make a wine sauce with some cream. It was soooo flavorful, the mushroom flavor really went well with the wine. So tasty.

We watched some Golden Girls today with Jaq. God, it's hilarious. RIP to some real ones. I'm definitely a Dorothy.
01/09/2022
Mood: hopeful
Listening to: Perfume Genius - On the Floor (Edit) [from my wangxian mix xoxo]

Nice day, until I remembered...



I'm supposed to have classes tomorrow... I decided to drop the in-person class and just try to get into the online section. I sent an email to the professor and while she didn't respond her out-of-office message gave me some hope that I'll be able to get in if I show up for both classes this week. I still need to figure out my grad school application before February which is *checks calendar* uhhhhh really soon! But hey, I think I've got a pretty good idea of what I'm doing now, at least.

I went to the farmer's market this morning! I bought a whole chicken and a bunch of mushrooms -- shiitakes and winter chanterelles. The lady selling me mushrooms (who recognized my IT bag, hell yeah) kept calling them yellowfoots. But I don't want to eat something that sounds like some kind of infection so I will keep calling them winter chanterelles thank you very much. I also got some hummus... Carly's always bringing home bagels, so why not. Oh my gosh idk why I never thought of this -- bagel chips??? just fucken. Cut up some bagels and toast em. Instant chips!

Oh, and the lady selling the chickens (of which I got the last one) was also selling very tiny onions, so I got 3 of them for a quarter each. I love the farmer's market.

After that I got a burrito and picked up some weed. Now I'm sitting here trying to figure out this school stuff, but I'm gonna have to go pick up Carly soon... I told her I'd do dishes but I haven't. Guess I will do those while she takes her after-work nap, haha. We just rly need to clean out the fridge and in order to do so, the sink needs to be cleared, bc the roasting pan is just chilling in there for some reason, since we made turkey last week lol. And we gotta wash that to make the chicken! Sorry, we're gross. We're basically bog lesbians. Grunge dykes.

When I have time I'm definitely going to add more playlists to the site btw... including probably the one I'm listening to right now. I started rereading MDZS and it's definitely better on the second read-through cause right off the bat you're like oh my god that's his baby he doesn't know that's his little baby boy!!! He doesn't know his husband has been mourning him for thirteen years! Oh god he doesn't KNOW....

I also started replaying Undertale, cos I haven't played it in probably like 5+ years and I want to play Deltarune. i know it's not like, a requirement to replay it or anything I just want to so I can remember stuff about the world and all that. It will probably be more enjoyable that way.

God, watch me abandon all of these projects once school starts up and I'm working lol... u_u I'm hoping I can handle it though... I just need to get through grad school and then life will be easier!! Right?
01/08/2022
Mood: content
Listening to: Billie Eilish - everything i wanted

Dreams and things



I've been having dreams with my brother in them that aren't so awful. I used to only have nightmares about him. But I had a nice one the other night... I dreamed I was at a party and he was there, and I gave him a hug. And it was a party for me, for my birthday.

Anyways Carly and I had a bit of a misunderstanding last night... she was a little drunk and said something about how we "probably" will get COVID soon because of our jobs. And I was just like why would you say that because idk. Lately I have been having this compulsion (?) to verbally clarify things. Like when it was my last Wednesday at my old job (my most stressful shift) Carly said "It's your last Wednesday!" and I immediately said "at [company]." Because in my mind saying it's my last Wednesday was tempting fate or manifesting or something. Anyways I slept on the couch cos I was overwhelmed and upset but this morning we talked it over and everything is fine now. She said she's just being realistic and wants to be prepared. And I explained my whole tempting fate thing. I don't know what to call it. A resurgence of my childhood OCD?

I went grocery shopping by myself while Carly was at work, which I usually don't do on my own (especially since the Panini started). I forgot my purse in the car, lol. But I got some stuff to make the dinner we planned on having our second night in the cabin. Since we lost power, the meat spoiled, but I got some more, and we are going to have ground turkey and peppers tonight! Yum!!

I am enjoying this more long-form blogging. Especially since it's not on social media so I don't feel like I need to make it interesting. If no one cares, good. This is my space just for me. I did put a link to it on my site but it's more of an easter egg. So if you found this page... cool for you, you get to read my boring blog posts! Haha.
01/07/2022
Mood: tired
Listening to: Carly playing RDR2

I survived my 31st birthday!



so this Wednesday was my birthday. I drove up to a cabin on Mount Adams with my wife and it was kind of a disaster. definitely a memorable birthday.

So yeah what happened was, we went to our snowy mountain cabin, crashing into a snowbank in the process (we were fine I have 4wd), the first night was lovely and then the next morning the entire county lost power… we thought about leaving but the roads were too bad so we stayed in a cold cabin with no ability to cook a hot meal or even heat up water. we still had dried fruit and cheese and crackers but it got really cold. anyways aside from that it was a good trip, just again had some trouble getting out of town bc of the roads and not having a good enough signal to pull up a map.

the snow was really beautiful and we had a lot of blankets in our cabin, plus we both had charged ipads and lanterns. it just, you know, could have been more relaxing lol. also you could tell this whole business model was thought up by some silicon valley fucks with no experience living or working in rural or snowy areas… the staff were just as screwed as we were and they were super accommodating but like… the business itself definitely had. some flaws. like everything was electric and the LANDLINE didn’t even work and we had to walk to an emergency phone… so yeah we’ll be leaving a pretty detailed review lol at least we got a refund for the second night since we couldn’t leave if we wanted to

another reason the drive home was stressful – for one we were super hungry and couldn’t find a place to eat till hood river. then when we got back to portland I got stuck behind a school bus around the corner from my apartment so that really got my anxiety going… it took us like 15 minutes just to get like half a mile. but anyway we are home and I am gonna order a big meal on delivery and cuddle my cat!!

Much of this post was crossposted from tumblr, and I had a lot of fun retooling this tumblr theme to be usable on neocities. Honestly didn't take much, just deleted some lines of code and it was pretty much set... a couple of little things I still can't figure out (why won't the links work???) but oh well, it doesn't really matter. I will probably keep updating this page, but who knows if I'll link it on my main site. It's kind of just for me to ramble into the void, and whoever sees it sees it, on a platform other than tumblr (less likelihood of getting anon hate or pornbot spam). Also, despite it being a tumblr theme, it kind of makes me think of livejournal... just because of how customizable it is I guess. In fact I'm gonna find an LJ icon and put it at the top of this post, lol.

ETA: I found an old destiel LJ mood theme lmao!! Using it.